A Comedy of Errols
by chocolatecheesecakes
Summary: <html><head></head>Nothing's right anymore at Hogwarts. Ron's off to find Godric Gryffindor's bedroom, Harry's buying a pony at the worst time possible, and two Muggle girls have crawled into the Wizarding World. A Parody in an undisclosed amount of parts. WARNING! May contain nuts. And bolts. Dedicated to The souless ones.</html>
1. Act 1, Scene 1: Ron's Quest

**Hello y'all! **

**My first try at a Crack!Fic! This is Part 1 of Act 1, but more will be coming soon! Basically, I had a challenge to use the prompt "Ron, to prove that he is just as good as his siblings and Harry, goes on a quest to find the long-lost sleeping quarters of Godric Gryffindor". **

**I do not own Harry Potter. Neither do I own Doctor Who, Sherlock or The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. **

Scene 1, Act 1: Ron's Quest

"Oi, Harry?" Ron asked, looking up from his _'Chudley Cannons' Stalker's Directory'_.

Harry sighed sadly, and looked up from '_Spying on the Holyhead Harpies – the Changing Rooms behind Their Game'_. He didn't have much time to talk to his best friend nowadays, as being 'The Boy Who Chose Who Lived' (or, as he preferred 'High King Potter') was an exhausting business, including dozens of horrendous interviews, sessions of signing autographs that made his hand cramp, and above all his fan club, which he pleased on a weekly basis.

"Ron." He said simply, shaking his head. He could have any best friend, but he had made the terrible mistake of befriending Ron on his first day at Hogwarts, as he didn't know just how many better friends he could have, being 'The Boy Who Can't Die' and all that. "I just don't have time for this, Gwenog Jones apparently wears Thomas the Tank Engine underwear!"

Ron nodded, completely ignoring Harry's distress. "But it says here-" He began, waving the book up and down in Harry's face frantically.

"Honestly Ronald." A slightly familiar voice groaned, and Ron's head snapped across in surprise.

"Hermione?" He squeaked, looking at his only friend-who-was-a-girl who wasn't… well, a girl anymore.

Hermione groaned again, banging her (his?) head on the table in front of him/her. "It's Hermes now." He/She explained.

"Oh, Hermes!" Harry called. "You got that sex change!"

Ron looked from Harry, to Hermione – no, sorry, Hermes – and back again. "But… but why?" He asked.

Hermes stood up, and walked over to Harry with a huge grin on his face. "Oh, Ronald." He said, shaking his head. "I'm sorry, but Harry's gay!"

Ron looked at Harry's sparkly pink pyjama onesie, fluorescent green wizard's hat and blue-striped beard. "I hadn't noticed." He said, trying to inject a little humour into his voice, but ultimately failing miserably.

"I've been taking lessons from Dumbledore." Harry explained, flicking his beard over his shoulder. "It's quite simple really."

"Come here, you lovely Dumbledore impersonator!" Hermes squealed, attaching himself to Harry at the mouth. Harry responded eagerly, and Ron backed away, blanching at the sight of his two best friends thrashing about like eels in front of the fireplace.

"Where are Fred and George?" He thought to himself, looking around the mysteriously deserted Gryffindor Common Room.

There were two sharp cracks from behind Ron, and Ron jumped, spinning around to see his twin brothers grinning down at him. Across the room, Hermes disentangled himself from his lover to yell "YOU CAN'T APPERATE IN OR OUT OF HOGWARTS!"

"Never said anything about apperating around Hogwarts!" One of the twins, either Fred or George said, before smirking and clicking his fingers. Nothing happened. "Oh." He said, looking rather dejected. "Give me a second-"

There was a dramatic poof of smoke, a fanfare played on a load of unseen trumpets, and Ginny appeared from the mist. "I've had a sex change too!" She growled, trying to jump on her brother. "Come here you sexy thing!"

* * *

><p>Ron passed out, only seeing the face of his new brother way, way too close to his.<p>

Ron eventually came around, but when he did the Gryffindor Common Room wasn't the Common Rom anymore. He screamed, sitting blot upright to see a ring of fire surrounding him, and the ghostly figures of Hermes, Harry, Ginny (or should that be Graeme?), Fred, George, Percy, Percy's owl Hermes, Bill and Charlie surrounding him.

"Rona Ginevra Weasley…" Graeme whispered, and Ron quirked an eyebrow.

"Actually, it's Ronald _Bilius _Weasley." He corrected, gulping when Charlie gave him a very Mrs-Weasley-ish glare.

"You were born a girl." Bill explained. "Rona Ginevra Weasley. I don't know what happened to make you male, but I think you _might_ have regenerated."

At this point, Bill looked at the script in his hand and glared up at the author. "A _Doctor Who _reference?" He moaned. "Really?"

"And why is everyone having sex changes?" Hermes asked. "And Harry is not gay with anyone, let alone me!"

The Author glared at Bill with all the hatred she possessed (which wasn't an awful lot) and gripped her sonic screwdriver in her fist, trying not to laugh at him. "Right." She said, sighing deeply. "William Arthur Weasley, either you shut up or I'll kill you off."

Bill shrugged, and the author turned her glare to her keyboard. "And the lightening did smite Bill Weasley from the Earth…" She muttered, typing those very words.

And the lightening did smite Bill Weasley from the Earth. Ron yelped, staring at the spot where his oldest brother had been not one moment before. "Okay…" He said, looking up at the author with fearful eyes. "Just get on with this, don't kill anyone else!"

"We have a preposition for you." Graeme whispered again, his eyes snapping open when Fred elbowed him in the side.

"Shut up Graeme." Fred groaned.

"It's GREG!" Graeme complained. "Fred, George, whoever you are, you're worse than anyone I've ever…"

"What do you need me to do?" Ron asked, looking at Hermes (who was now re-attached to Harry) and Graeme and Percy and…

"Um…" Ron trailed off, his voice wary. "Percy, what are you doing with your owl…?"

Percy looked up from where he was sharing a romantic candlelit dinner with Hermes (and, by extension, the two white mice that always seemed to accompany the owl) and sighed deeply. "Ronald." He said sternly. "Please refrain from bothering me, I am quite enjoying the sweet company of my snookums."

Ron blinked, but didn't reply. "Okay." He said. "One thing: will this make me just as good as you lot?"

"Don't be greedy Ronald." Hermes said, moving away from Harry with a sickening sucking noise. "We can't all be handsome/clever/beautiful/powerful/sexy/clever like us!"

"Your quest." Graeme's eyes snapped open dramatically. "Your quest is to find the long-lost sleeping quarters of Godric Gryffindor..."

"Oooh!" The twins chorused, everyone else falling silent. "The long-lost sleeping quarters... Of Godric Gryffindor..."

"SHUT UP!" Yelled the Ghost of Bill Weasley, who had mysteriously appeared to make a plot point.


	2. Act 1, Scene 2: Self-Insert Called CJ

**Please remember that this is a parody, and although I am in this chapter I have played myself in a highly fictitious way, making fun of my Doctor Who and Sherlock quotes. So all of you that will say 'SELF-INSERT ALERT' its meant to be that way.**

**Also, CJ (AKA moi) shall be properly introduced along with my best friend Viv (AKA The souless ones) next chapter, where Dumbledore gets confused and we start singing Na Na Na by MCR, fo the LOLs.**

**Thank you to The souless ones, ChangingbacktoBellamort500, Lolerator and Gurl5678. **

**I do not own Sherlock, Doctor Who, the Daleks, Tom Cruise, Mission Impossible, any LSD and no 3D glasses. There is a lot of swearing in this chapter, so beware.**

Act 1, Scene 2: The Self-Insert Called CJ

"Dun, dun dun dun, dun dun dun, dun dun duuuuuunnn." Ron said under his breath, clutching his map (loaned to him by Graeme – sorry, Greg) and peering around the corner.

He was in full 'Tom Cruise' mode, with a yellow baseball cap on his head and making a finger gun with the hand not holding the map.

"And we have LIFTOFF!" Someone screamed, and Ron instinctively ducked. That seemed to be a wise decision, as directly afterward a girl, maybe a couple of years his senior, ran down the staircase behind him. "GERONIMO!"

The girl came to a stop almost directly in front of him, and Ron blinked. She could be Hermione's twin (well, Hermes's) twin, if the bushy hair was any account. But, apart from that, she looked bloody deranged.

She was short, like, _second-year _short, when she was clearly older than him. She wore a short-sleeved t-shirt (in the middle of winter) with a strange thing imprinted on the front that looked a little like a pepper pot with two tubes attached to the front, and almost unreadable writing reading 'PROCRASTINATE! PROCRASTINATE' next door. Slightly grubby jeans, with a hole in one of the legs that didn't look purposeful. And she was grinning with more panache than a cheese sandwich.

"Hello!" She said, brushing her hair out of her face. She had a slight accent, a little like Professor McGonagall's, but with less twang and more dropped syllables. "You must be Ron Weasley! Oh, god, you bloody are, aren't you?"

"Who the hell are you?" Ron asked, looking down at the strange girl. "You… nearly knocked me over!"

"Natural charm." The girl waved a hand airily (Ron noticed that it had writing over it that seemed to detail something called 'Scale of the Universe') and smiled broadly. "And you don't need to know my name – or does he? Fuck. I can never remember."

She also seemed very easy-going. She didn't even bat an eyelid when she dropped her f-bomb. "What's your name?" Ron repeated, a little preoccupied with not trying to stare at her. "I'm a little busy right now."

"So am I." The girl sighed, shaking her head. "Trying to help you dingbat. And okay, if you won't stop staring, call me CJ, okay?"

"CJ?" Ron raised an eyebrow. "That's not a name."

"How fucking thick are you Ron?" CJ sighed. "It's my _fucking nickname_."

"Okay, who are you, how do you know my name?" Ron asked, before this girl could swear any more. "And why do you swear so much?"

"Like I said, my name is CJ." CJ repeated carefully and slowly. "I am fourteen and a half, so actually you're older than me."

Ron shook his head. All the LSD in the atmosphere was getting to him a little. CJ was pretty short, but for the equivalent of a fourth-year she was pretty damn short. "Oh, would you like me to list everything that will happen in the next year?" She said excitedly. "No? Too bad. See, Doctor, changing the future is _fun_!" She yelled to the ceiling.

"I think I'm okay, thanks." Ron said, silently trying to edge away from this clearly insane girl. "Um… could you just explain to me who you _really _are, thanks?"

"I am here to explain that real self-inserts are a hell of a lot more funny than Mary-Sue ones." CJ grinned. "See, whereas I could portray myself as beautiful and sweet, funny (well, I am frankly _hilarious_) and kind, I choose to show reality, which is a slightly insane fangirl." She clapped her hands together and did some jazz hands. "_Et voila_!"

"Why are you here then?" Ron asked. "Can you tell me where Godric Gryffindor's bedroom is?"

"Only if I get Skittles." CJ pouted, but when Ron didn't say anything, she relented. "Down the fuckin' hall, like it says on your bloody map you Dalek."

"HASHTAG FLATLINE!" She suddenly yelled aloud. "DIDDY TARDISES AND GENERAL NON-LASAGNE-NESS!"

"Thanks." Ron said, looking down at the map, and, as CJ had so crudely pointed out, there was a large orange arrow with neon green flashing lights pointing to 'Gryffindor's Bedroom'. "Was that there all the time?"

CJ passed him a pair of 3D glasses. "Time's Wibbly-Wobby, Timey-WImey." She said, clicking her fingers. "Do you have any Jammie Dodgers?"

"No."

"Shut up then Ron, you're lowering the IQ of the whole street."


	3. Act 1, Scene 3: ANOTHER?

**Hello again!**

**Again, as before, this is a PARODY and as such it is meant to be stupid. TWIHARDS BEWARE! Serious (Sirius!) making fun of Twilight in here.**

**Thank you to ChangingbacktoBellamort500, Lolerator, Gurl5678 and bubblecloudz for your reviews.**

**I do not own Harry Potter, My Immortal (Thank god, I would kill myself if I did), Twilight (it's never good to dwell on dreams STEPHANIE MEYER), a shotgun, Doctor Who, the song Na Na Na by My Chemical Romance, My Chemical Romance, Sherlock, my best friend Viv or the Apocolypse.**

**Scared? You should be. **

Act 1, Scene 3: ANOTHER?

"SHUT UP YOU MOTHERFUCKERS!" Dumbledore screamed, and the Great Hall fell silent, except for Harry and Hermes standing up and giving him a huge round of surprise. "Oh, thanks. I think I was just channelling my 'My Immortal' spirit."

Across on the Hufflepuff table, Cedric – no, sorry, Edward Cullen fainted. A girl from further down the table screamed, and ran up to him. "EDWARD!" She screamed, as everyone did a simultaneous eye roll. Then there was a loud bang; a smell of gunpowder, and the girl fell to the ground, quite dead.

"FIFTY POINTS TO THE HOUSE OF WHOEVER SHOT BELLA SWAN!" Dumbledore yelled again.

"Technically Dumbles, we haven't been sorted yet." A new voice came from the doorway of the Great Hall, and a girl dressed in a black dress walked in, carrying a shotgun, closely followed by a shorter girl in jeans and a t-shirt.

"IT'S CJ!" Ron screamed.

"Shut up Ronald." The shorter girl scowled. "Your plotline finished last chapter."

"Then why does it say Act 1 still in the chapter title?" Ron pointed out.

The shorter girl seemed a little lost for words, and the girl with the gun doubled over in hysterical laughter. "OWNED!" She yelled. "Oh, your face."

"Fuck off." The shorter girl grimaced. "Oh. My. God." She said suddenly, her eyes wandering to the group of Weasleys at the end of the table. "Viv, are we?"

"No, we're not." 'Viv' said sarcastically, dropping her shotgun and rolling her eyes. "Oh, come on, we'd better introduce ourselves."

"Yes, indeed." Professor Dumbledore said, eyeing the two newcomers suspiciously. "Come up here you two. I think you have a lot of explaining to do."

"Sir yes sir!" The short one saluted, then spun around, almost tripping over her own feet, and walking up to the raised podium. 'Viv' followed, at a slightly slower pace, whilst muttering about the other girl's sanity under her breath.

Dumbledore twinkled around at the gathered students, but one of his eyes fell out. "Oops, sorry." He simpered. "It's a side affect."

Several first years fainted.

"Right then." The short one said, walking forward and clapping her hands together. "Um… do I _have _to start Viv?"

"Yes." Viv said simply, raising her shotgun and pointing it at an unknown Professor. "Who are you?"

"Professor Sinestra!" The woman squeaked, before hiding under the table.

Viv lowered her gun. "Damn that producer." She said to the other girl, who nodded. "Never told us who that woman was."

"Well, you still didn't have to hold her at gunpoint." Girl no. 1 shrugged, before turning back to the silent students. "Hello! Can you all stop staring, you're making me uncomfortable."

None of them looked away.

"Fuck." Girl no. 1 swore under her breath. "I hate this. Right." She said, in a higher, slightly shrill voice. "My name is Eleanor. I prefer Ellie, or CJ."

"Good morning Miss CJ." The students said as one, looking at CJ with blank expressions. "Good morning friends."

"This is siriusly creepy." CJ said, before grinning. "Look! Harry Potter pun!"

"How do you know about-" A boy dressed in bright green sparkly robes asked loudly, before being shut up by his boyfriend, who slapped him. "Ouch. Hermes, what was that for?"

"SAVE IT!" CJ exclaimed dramatically. "I am the Oncoming Storm, you know! I walk in eternity! I am the last of-"

Viv pushed her out of the way, and sighed deeply. "HELLO STUDENTS OF HOGGY WARTY HOGWARTS!" She said loudly. "My name is Vivian, and I enjoy shooting people!"

To accompany this statement, she gestured to Bella's corpse with her shotgun. "Just joking!' She said, with a grin. "Now, we have a list somewhere. Ellie, the list…?"

CJ produced a crumpled list from one of the pockets of her jeans, and handed it to Vivian with a grin. "Right." Vivian cleared her throat. "Dumbledore is a manipulative bastard. Neville should be with Luna. In fact, Dumbledore is in fact amazing, and should be used as modern art. I enjoy eating Cheesecake. Harry needs to go back to being straight so he can marry Ginny."

"BUT I LOVE-" Harry began, about to stand up and take a stand, but Vivian moved him away with her shotgun.

"CJ's real-life counterpart was high on sugar when she wrote that." Vivian explained, turning to glare at the ceiling. "Yep, fuck you. Apparently we have to stand by and watch all of this shit play out before we can do anything."

"NA NA NA NA, NA NA NA, NA NA NA NA NA NA!" CJ sang unexpectedly, slightly out of tune.

Vivian stared at her for a moment, before someone (probably Bill Weasley's ghost) yelled; "STUPEFY!", and the short girl fell on the ground.

"Thank god." Vivian exhaled. "She never shuts up."

"Someone take this weird girl/thing to the Hospital Wing." Dumbledore commanded. "Someone who isn't afraid of her."

"SIR YES SIR!" The Weasley twins stood up, exchanging identical amused looks and picked up CJ's still body.

Vivian's, Percy's, Ron's, Graeme's (sorry, Greg's), Hermes's and Hermes's (the owl/Percy's soul mate) eyes grew wide. What had they started?

As if reading their minds, Professor Sinestra stood up and began to laugh evilly. "THE APOCOLYPSE!" She screamed, before collapsing to the floor. Moments later, she stood up, smiled jauntily and began to break-dance.


End file.
